


Yeah. It Was Love.

by ausfil



Category: Westlife
Genre: Angst, Boyband, Childhood Friends, Coming Out, Coming of Age, Confessions, Crushes, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, First Love, Friendship/Love, Growing Up, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Male Friendship, No Smut, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Relationship, Pining, Romance, Sexuality, Unrequited, Young Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-21 20:15:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14922126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ausfil/pseuds/ausfil
Summary: Shane met Kian for the first time when he was twelve, and since then, all he ever craved was Kian’s approval.Years later, Shane realises what this craving means.





	Yeah. It Was Love.

**Author's Note:**

> It is currently 2 in the morning so excuse any weird typos or errors or whatever it may be :)

All Shane ever wanted was Kian’s approval.

He was twelve years old when he had met Kian for the first time. Both a part of the Fun Company and doing local musicals together, Kian had always been an interesting creature. A sweet boy who at times could spit fire and fearlessly say whatever he thought needed to be said, and at other times shy and awkward with a precious yellow glint in cheeky eyes.

And Shane had wanted to get to know him more than anyone. Because whenever Kian complimented his singing, or the way he moved on stage, or even offered a kind look his way, Shane’s world lit up. The type of light that could revive withering flowers, turn deserts into oceans, turn life into _life_. For years, he craved it.

They grew up together. Dived through heaven and hell together. And went on to conquer the world together.

Even in this chaotic Westlife bubble, Shane still craved Kian’s approval above all else. The boy would glance towards him after a high note, and that proud nod or wink of approval made him want to be a better person. Just to feel that light enter him. To see those baby blue eyes sparkle, knowing that it was because of him. Nothing in the world felt better than that.

The night their first single soared to number one, Shane realised that this craving was love.

The band had gathered for a night in with drinks - five brains trying to wrap around the idea that something they drowned in sweat and tears to create went straight to the top of the charts. The five brains couldn’t, really.

Shane had started to get emotional with a few drinks in his system. He was always the one to get emotional first.

“I love you guys. I’m so proud of us,” he spoke through a clumped throat. Nicky threw a cushion at his head while getting teary himself, and Kian looked up at him with the fondest smile. It was warm. So warm. Shane forced himself to look away before it got weird to stare for too long.

That night, Shane had shared a room with Kian. Bad idea, in hindsight.

“Crazy, huh?” Kian crooned, looking up at the ceiling.

“So crazy,” Shane agreed. “Do you think it’ll last?”

Kian turned towards him, the moonlight washing a white glow over his angelic face, deep eyes connecting clearly with his. It was artwork. Shane swallowed hard. “I _know_ it’ll last. Are you worried?”

Shane hitched a shoulder and told himself to not break the gaze. “Maybe just… overwhelmed a little. Confused. Scared.” About more than just the band. “I don’t know. Maybe a little tipsy too.”

Kian hummed a reply and ran a supportive hand up and down his arm. He wanted to grab the hand and hold it close to his chest. “It’ll be fine. We’ll be fine. I won’t let anything happen to us.”

He knew Kian was talking about the band, but a shy corner of his heart wished that the ‘us’ meant himself and this gorgeous boy smiling at him and comforting him. He had felt like this before, through the years whenever Kian was near him and spreading a minty scent, whenever Kian put his arm around his shoulder and buddied it up, whenever Kian beamed at him. A confusing little flutter in his heart that felt like Summer sunshine, which he had no idea how to label since he was twelve.

But that night, Shane realised he was in love. He labelled it for the first time in the darkest shadow underneath layers of skin. Love. Love. It was love. And it had been for god knows how many years before he admitted it right there, looking into twinkling blue orbs that held his entire world and more.

Kian had fallen asleep first, and Shane had spent the entire night awake, admiring the way eyes crooked perfectly into a strong nose. The way divine lips curved and flattened. The way eyelids softly shifted when Shane reached out to stroke away his fringe, murmuring like a tired puppy and chaining Shane’s heart. He had wanted to memorise every curve and edge of the face in front of him as he swam in the idea of ‘us’.

Yeah. It was love.

Then on one night of their first tour, Shane cried on Nicky’s shoulders about it.

Nicky had said he needed to talk about something in private, and of course he could. They were best friends. After the show that night, he went up to Nicky’s room as promised.

“What’s up?” Shane asked as Nicky passed him a beer.

“Can you be a hundred percent honest with me?” Nicky was studying his every facial expression, he realised. This was some sort of test. He tried to calm himself with a gulp of the icy liquid.

“Yeah,” he promised.

“Is something wrong? Did something happen?” Nicky’s face was hard. Challenging, almost. Confronting. Though genuine. He wasn’t joking around. And Nicky was rarely like this - was normally the one to crack a stupid joke everywhere.

Shane narrowed his eyes. “What do you mean?”

“Shane,” Nicky sighed and put the beer can down on the floor before looking back up at him with a softened gaze, “I’m worried about you,” he crooned.

“There’s nothing to worry about.” He may have said that too quickly.

“You’re not yourself. And you haven’t been for a while.” Nicky bit his lip when Shane looked away. “Seriously. You can tell me anything. You know that.”

Shane couldn’t really find it in him to look back up. Took a deep breath instead. So this was happening. “I’m… in love.”

“Oh.” Nicky wasn’t expecting that. “Isn’t that a good thing?”

“Not always, no.” Certainly fucking not. Shane threw the rest of the beer down his throat and closed his eyes. His heart racing faster than ever. He didn’t know why he was doing this. Why he was actually contemplating telling him. But when Shane opened his eyes, that look of concern and warmth overtook his soul like a tsunami. Felt a lump in his throat rise up. “It’s… it’s someone you know. Someone we all know.”

Nicky nodded thoughtfully. That kind heart encouraged him to go further, although he could see Nicky going through a million people in his mind.

Shane let out a deep breath. Realised it came out all shuddery which Nicky winced at. “If I… tell you, you can’t tell anyone. Seriously. Like, no one at all.”

“I promise I won’t.” In an instant, Shane believed him. Of course he did. This was Nicky. The same Nicky whom he could go to the ends of the world for, and vice versa. Nicky was the perfect person for this. He had held it in for too long, just letting it rot in the dark abyss. It was about time to let a little light in.

“Right. Okay.” Another deep breath that did nothing to calm him down. “Yeah, it’s…” Shane averted his gaze. Couldn’t handle whatever Nicky’s reaction was going to be. The walls were caving in. “It’s Kian.”

Then followed the longest silence that stripped the first layer of Shane’s skin. He couldn’t bare this. And he couldn’t bare to look up with the life of him, to pierce through the thick air of silence and ask Nicky what he thought.

“K… Kian? Like, _our_ Kian?” Nicky spoke finally, his voice low and careful.

Shane nodded and felt tears prick at the back of his eyes.

“Okay. Um. Wow.” Nicky shifted in his seat. Shane wondered if he was going to run out of the room for a second. “Wait, so you’re…”

“Yeah,” Shane whispered. He had never admitted to anyone else before. His mum had asked once, years ago when he broke up with his first girlfriend. _‘Was it because you could maybe be… y’know… gay?’_ she had asked, and he had said don’t be daft. Of course not. No. No no no. Never. Then he had gone up to his room and cried for a bit, but this was different, because yes, it was love. Kian was love. Love came in blue _and_ pink shades and either was okay. It took Shane far too long to realise that. But announcing it to other people; that was a whole other can of worms that he was yet afraid to open. “Yeah,” Shane said again a bit louder, just for himself.

Another silence followed before Nicky leaned forward to put a hand on Shane’s knee. Shane flinched in surprise and finally brought up a little courage to look up at his friend. “It’s cool,” Nicky smirked – the friendly curve of his lips that knocked off tonnes of weight from Shane’s shoulders.

“It… it is?”

“Of course.” Another light tap before Nicky pulled his hand back. “Kind of had a feeling anyway, to be honest.”

Shane didn’t know if that was alleviating or outright terrifying. He just smiled back.

“So. Kian, huh?”

Shane felt red ink smear across his cheeks as he nodded.

“Wow. Right.” Nicky chuckled awkwardly and raked his hair with his fingers. “I didn’t expect that. Um, for how long?”

“For…” Too long. “I don’t know. Ever since we met, I think.”

Nicky’s eyes widened a bit. “You’ve known him since you were twelve. Shit, Shane, that’s ten years.”

God, it certainly didn’t feel like that. Ten years sounded like a lifetime. Ten years with Kian by his side was an easy surf through beautiful waves of roses. But roses had thorns. It was destined to sting through a sweet bloom. “I suppose so, yeah. A long time.”

“A _really_ long time,” Nicky emphasised, still trying to process it all.

A bittersweet sentiment tugged at his lips. “Yeah. I didn’t realise it for ages then one night, I just… felt it. It made so much sense, like.”

Nicky had a smile that he couldn’t quite see through. “Does Kian know, or?”

Jesus. Imagine that. He almost wanted to laugh. “No, not a clue. It’s not that easy,” Shane shrugged. “We have a history, you know? We’ve known each other since we were kids. It would change everything.” Nicky nodded along sympathetically. It was the first time Shane voiced any of these things out loud, and he was glad it was Nicky on the receiving end. “Like, even if I do tell him, what’s that going to do for anybody? He’s not going to suddenly be like, _oh I’m gay too, let’s go get hitched_ or something. It’s better if it ends with me.”

“Is it going to end though?” He hated how well Nicky knew him.

“No,” he admitted. “But I could pretend. I’m good at that.”

That didn’t seem to make Nicky feel any better. Worse, actually. A worried knit of his eyebrows mellowed the air of the room. “You shouldn’t have to pretend,” the soft considerate voice spoke, and all Shane wanted was a hug.

“I didn’t have a choice, Nicky. I’ve had to see him fall in love with other people, and have him talk to me about all those girls and laugh along, and I’ve had to see his heart break. I had to _see_ that shit and pretend like I was all okay. It’s just…” Shane didn’t realise he was tearing up, but when Nicky stood up to fetch the tissue box, he whooshed it across to wipe the humiliating tears. “It’s hard, you know?”

“Yeah,” Nicky felt a bit useless. He didn’t know what else to offer. He brought an arm around Shane’s shoulder and kissed his damp cheek, listening to gentle sniffles. “I’m sorry I didn’t realise sooner. I should have been there for you, I didn’t… realise. At all. I’m sorry.”

Shane shook his head as he pulled out another tissue. “I’m the one who didn’t tell you.”

“Still. I’m here for you now though.” Nicky used his other hand to dry the last tears. “So you’re definitely not going to do anything about it?”

Shane scoffed. “No. It’s not going to happen. He’s straight. And I certainly as hell can’t move on. So I…” he sighed. “I’m happy with the way things are.”

“You don’t seem happy. Just tell him how you feel. He’s not gonna hate you or anything. It’s Kian. You’re not going to lose him either way.”

“No. I’m not going to tell him. I can’t do that.”

Nicky backed down with a sigh and an unsatisfied nod, and Shane felt the tips of his fingers tremble with even the idea of confessing to Kian. The sheer red thought paralysed his brain.

Yeah, it was still love. Possibly the realest layer that love had to offer.

He promised himself he wasn’t going to do anything about it, but two years on, when Kian’s place in his heart was overtaking every single curve and beyond, he… did something about it.

The five of them had been up in Kian’s hotel room, mindlessly sitting through a crap movie. Brian had basically been talking throughout the whole thing which they didn’t mind. It was certainly more entertaining than the moving screen.

And Shane realised that this was the perfect time. They were all alone. Just he himself and his four mates. It felt perfect. It didn’t feel so scary, as much as he built it up in his head.

Right.

“Lads,” four heads turned at once. Okay. This was starting to get scary again. “I uh… I have something I need to tell you.”

Kian looked concerned immediately as he switched the TV off. They turned their bodies to focus on him, and Nicky already had an inkling of what was going down. He sat back in silence, a nervous chew of his lip.

“Is everything okay?” Kian asked, his voice low and thoughtful and making Shane’s heart palpitate, even after twelve long years. Although the palpitations this time wasn’t just down to Kian.

“I… It’s kind of hard for me to say. Um…” Shane had planned the whole speech a thousand times before. About how he had known for a while, how he came to be proud of who he was and hoped that the others still loved him, because he was the same person regardless. He hadn’t known how soul-crippling this was going to be. The fear bubbled from the pit of his stomach, trepidation shadowed his gaze and made four pairs of the friendliest eyes he’d ever known appear red. He wanted to run out.

“Shay, you can tell us anything. It’s us,” Mark crooned, he himself looking rather nervous.

Shane lowered his head and cleared his throat. Felt Nicky softly put a hand on his shoulder for support. Warmth from that hand seeped into his skin, cleared a bright path to his heart and back up through his voice box. He could do this. What he couldn’t do was look at Kian while saying it. He looked awkwardly between Brian and Mark instead.

“I…” A shuddery breath. He counted down in his mind. He could do this. He could. He couldn’t… No, he could. Three. Two. One. “I’m gay.”

There was a bit of silence that felt longer than a lifetime. The dullness of it pierced through his chest. Fuck. That was it. They were going to hate him now, he thought. He would have to leave the room. The band. He would-

“Jesus, is that all you had to say?” Kian barked through a relieved chuckle. Shane looked at him for the first time. “You had me thinking you fucking murdered someone. Shane, it’s fine.” Shane was definitely in love with him.

“Yeah,” Brian agreed, and so did Mark who patted his back with a smile that housed friendly dimples.

Then Kian reached out for a hug, and Shane’s entire sense of self melted within seconds. He could feel the strong arms evoke light tears of relief out of his system – the warm cleanse deep in his soul, the mammalian instinct of complete surrender, compassion and safety and acceptance that he used to be so afraid of. Ironically, Kian was the one who made him so afraid of it, yet so determined. Kian was the one who allowed it to wear a cloak of rainbow and the one to hold his hand through piles of dirt without him even knowing. And in this moment, Shane thought there wasn’t anything that he couldn’t do if it was for this boy.

They separated after a bit, Shane quickly wiping his face and letting out a long sigh.

“Good on ya,” Nicky squeezed his shoulder. Looked a little emotional himself, and Brian asked if he knew already. “Of course I did. I’ve known for two years.”

“Traitor!”

They all laughed, then came some questions. When did you know? Does anyone else know? Have you ever fucked a lad? The answer was no, Brian, no. Shane was happy to answer everything with the extra weight off his chest, until the conversations were replaced with late night yawns. Nicky was the first to leave, then Mark and Brian followed.

It was just them two left. The walls started closing in again.

“Thanks for telling us, bro.” Kian smiled at him; something that unleashed all the butterflies in his stomach since he was twelve years old. “I love you just the same. You know that, right?”

“I know. Thanks.” Kian lightly jabbed at his arm. Shane scoffed and jabbed back. “Hey, um, are you gonna sleep?”

“Nah. Not tired. Why?”

“Oh, just…” Wondering if you somehow turned gay in the last five minutes. Wondering if I would ever be so lucky to wake up to you every morning and feel happiness from a single breath of yours. Wondering if you would ever whisper three precious words back to my heart that only seemed to want to talk about you. “Wondering if you wanted to watch another movie or something.”

Kian said that he did, and settled on top of the bed, a bowl of popcorn in between them.

They got through about half the movie - that Shane basically caught none of - when he felt like he was in the zone for the first time. He gained courage for the first time in his goddamn life after coming out to the band. The courage apparently wanted him to continue and label it the night of bravery. It was probably a mistake.

The two characters on screen were kissing fiercely, telling each other how much they loved them, and fuck, Shane would sell his soul to have a moment of that with this boy beside him. He swallowed hard before opening his mouth.

“I need to tell you something.”

“Again?” Kian lightly chuckled and hit pause of the film. ”What else is there?”

“I…” God, he hated courage right about now. But fuck it. Fuck it fuck it. He was just going to say it. He owed it to himself after all those years of irremediable heartache, all those years of playing with himself in the dark wishing it was someone else’s hand, all those years of crying alone into his pillow. He _owed_ this to himself at the very least. The beats in his chest went on a mad raid on their own. Okay. Three, two… one. “I love you, Kian.”

Kian just smirked. He didn’t get it. “Love you too, man.”

Shane stared back for a while in a burning silence, his heart stretching itself too excruciatingly thin through this hurricane of stillness, and Kian’s face was starting to droop in slow motion. He got it.

“Oh… Wait, you…”

He just nodded and hung his head low. Heard Kian’s clothes and the bedsheets beneath him hiss too loudly as he ambled up off the bed.

“Wow, um… Okay. I…” Kian’s breath was caught at his throat – a shuddery exhale. Ominousness clouded Shane’s gaze. “This isn’t a joke, is it?”

Shane looked up at that. Saw a confused pale face stare back. This was possibly the worst feeling in the world. “It’s not a joke.”

“Not… a joke. Ehm.” Kian stared at the carpet floor, blank, trying to wrap his head around whatever this was. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Look,” Shane sighed and stood up to face his friend. “You don’t have to say anything. I knew from the start that it would never work, okay? Don’t feel guilty about it. I just wanted to tell you. I’ve been wanting to tell you for years now and today seemed like the day.”

“Years?”

“Yeah. Twelve of them.”

“ _Twelve_ years? You’ve been in love with me for twelve years? I’ve _known_ you for twelve years.”

Shane just nodded. Felt utterly broken all of a sudden.

“Jesus, Shane,” Kian sighed and dumped his face into his hands as he sat back down, trying to recollect pieces of his brain that had scattered across the floor.

The heaviness of Shane’s heart was slowly pulling it down with every second of Kian’s eviscerating silence. It would soon reach the tips of his feet and he wouldn’t know how to pick it back up, but it would be worth it. He was glad he did it, despite this. Because he had spent too much time hiding away from this, just handing his brain all the tools to cut away at itself, and he couldn’t do that anymore. He was physically _incapable_ of doing that.

With another sigh that tugged at him, Kian lifted his head up finally, a slight wet glint over his eyes. Shane braced himself. “I’m sorry. I can’t… I’m not… you know.”

“Gay. I know. It’s fine. I knew that. I wasn’t expecting anything.”

Of course he wasn’t expect anything but that didn’t mean hurt couldn’t find its way deep inside. Kian just sat there, an empty expression masking a face that Shane, for the first time in his life, didn’t want to look at.

“I’ll just uh,” he scratched the back of his head, “leave, then. Let you get some sleep.”

Kian nodded, a flash of guilt underneath blue eyes. “I’m sorry, Shane.”

“Please don’t be.” Shane attempted at a smile and gulped back the threatening lump in his throat. “Can I have a hug? Is… that okay?”

“Yeah. Of course it’s okay.” Kian shuffled closer and brought his arms around a lean waist. It was the most awkward hug that they’d shared, but Shane wouldn’t change it for the world. “Um… Are we going to be weird around each other?” Kian sounded a bit afraid. God, that hurt too. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“You’re not going to lose me,” Shane promised.

Kian nodded his appreciation and pulled back.

When he left the room, he felt the tears he had held back the whole night flash-flood like a dam explosion, chest heaving and knees weak. He had experienced heartbreak before. Obviously. But this was different. The knife gashed deeper into parts of his soul that it had never reached before. He walked straight over to Nicky’s with half of his conscience and collapsed into comforting arms.

What the funny thing was was that he still wouldn’t have changed anything. In this universe, he was okay being hurt again and again if it meant that he got to have Kian by his side every day. If it meant that he got to hear Kian sing and laugh and to feel his hugs; if a different shade of love from Kian allowed the blood in his veins to pump to every single corner of his drowning body, then he was happy. He didn’t need his heart. It didn’t belong to him anyway.

So yeah. It was definitely love.


End file.
